Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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