1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
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