I only kidnapped one of them. chill
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
