there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
