Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
