The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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