I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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