why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
