If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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