God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
