Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Randomize
