Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
