We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
