If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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