I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
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I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
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I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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