Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
