we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
