I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Even the bartender felt bad for me
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
