So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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