Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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