My balls are so social today.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
