You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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