I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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