I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
