I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
