Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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