He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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