i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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