I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Randomize
