I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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