I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
