the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
