I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
