i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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