i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
