Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
