Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
