I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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