I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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