I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
