And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
