Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
