Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
