all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
