I checked into jail on foursquare
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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