I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
