I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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