it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
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Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
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Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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