Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
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What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
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i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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