Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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