They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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