This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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