She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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