Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
