I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
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