New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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