I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
