i'm lost and i look like a hooker
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
