Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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